Last Night

Another long day hit me hard. I climbed up my staircase and crumbed onto an unmade bed.
I aimlessly searched for my Bible and notebook while trying not to actually leave my bed.
Holding them in my hands didn't bring joy, but frustration.
Do I have to read this now? 
Why didn't I read this morning?
A sigh escaped my lips. I lost my pen again. How could I write without it?
I'm too tired to read.
 I pulled the comforter over my head and fell asleep.

As my eyelids closed scenes from my life flashed in my mind.
Missoula, Montana in 2010. I chose to encounter God over a 30 minutes of sleep.
Luzon, Philippines in 2011. Several times Jesus was more important than rest.
Arlington, WA

I have spent many evenings/early mornings pouring over my Bible and praying.
Now 6:30 is too early to get up and pray and midnight is too late.
When did I start valuing rest over Christ?

A Grownup Day

You drive yourself  and sister to church and find your own row to sit in. You rush to exchange greetings with old and new acquaintances in order to get to your Sunday school class in time. Your voice is raspy and throat aches but with forced eagerness engage with ten five year olds for nearly an hour and a half. As you're picking up scraps of angel wings and half chewed pretzels, your sister reminds you of a previous commitment to drive her to work, so you do. Once she enters a building full of ribbons, glitter and paint you drive away.
And you cry.
You merge lanes and wait at stop signs.
And you resist the urge to mutter obscenities  at drivers  who don't know what they're doing.

Home at last. You pass off keys to your mother but drop them on the floor.
The few words you speak are laced with an edginess that has nothing to do with her.
And you climb up the stairs with hands full and heart heavy.
And you sit on your bed
and cry.

You dry your eyes and walk downstairs to an empty house.
Cheddar cheese gets sliced and neatly arranged on plate along with some crackers.
You pace, and try to decide if you will call in sick to work. You play doctor.
Throat pain? Check.
Raspy voice? Its there.
Fatigue? Inconclusive evidence.

At 12:52, you flip a coin.
It's tails.
But what does that mean?
You dial the number of a place you love and hate.
You talk to two people who are irritated and abrupt.
No work till Wednesday.
10 hours of pay will be missed.

The microwave beeps.
A plate of crackers and cheese awaits.
And you eat one
because you can't decide if you should laugh or cry.

When Winter Comes

Spring and Summer are a season of growth in my life. For the past few years, I believe God has used those months in significant ways to slowly conform me to his image. Not only that, but I feel like a better version of myself. Barefoot, tan and with a notebook in hand I feel willing to learn and open to whatever is in store.

Winter does not share a lot in common with summer. The harsh winds and bitter cold force me to cover myself in layers of coats and sweaters to block out any source of discomfort.
I think I do the same thing with my heart. Is there such a thing as a "heart sweater"? Cause I think I've been know to use those. When I'm tired of feeling, I slip one on to avoid the chill of disappointment and heart ache.  Instead of feeling warm and comforted, it just numbs. Neither hot or cold. No passion. After receiving a few "no's" and "not yets" from God this year, it's like I'm afraid of passion. I'm afraid to want things because I don't want the answer to be no. Disappointment is not an easy thing to swallow time and time again. Yet, have I forgotten how my plans pale next to his? If it's not in his plan that just means I need to wait to hear his.

Waiting is hard.
Living without certainty is hard.
Struggling to revive passion,too.


Live. Learn. Love.
All with God in the center.

My Life Right Now

My life consists of wearing a bright red button up shirt and dress pants  4-5 times a week to wash tables, floors, and to lead people around a room.  Occasionally, I get to answer phones or make a milk shake. Running around like a mad woman and trying not to fall on slippery kitchen floors is always a given. It's crazy, but I'm learning a lot and making money.

On Sunday mornings, I get the privilege of spending an hour and a half in a multi colored room with 8 kindergartners to read to them, pray with them, and try to teach them about the God who loves them. It's noisy at times, and we often get distracted but I love it. 

It also consists of spending too much time on the computer. The opportunities to entertain myself through it are endless. I can listen to bluegrass, instant message friends, pretend I am a part of S.H.I.E.L.D, play scrabble, find recipes or craft ideas.

Thursday nights were something I dreaded for a few months but I am beginning to embrace their role in my life. It isn't always my first choice to sit in a room full of people and be the new kid again. However, as time has passed I am learning. Learning how to use those nights as a time to grow, a time to hear, and a time to grow closer to others.

Rain.

A natural part of living in the Northwest that I have come to appreciate. After several weeks of sun, it is a welcomed friend. It makes plant life greener. It cleanses. The streets, the air, me. Weather is yet another thing in life that is uncontrolled by anyone except God. Do we need to have numerous conversations on the internet or in person about what a drag it is to have more moisture? We have a choice in where we find joy and contentment.

In this area of life, I choose contentment. 

Die to Yourself Daily

When I wake up 2 hours earlier than I'd like to for several days in a row, I get crabby. 

Then, I get convicted by the Spirit and remember what Jesus calls us all to do. 

Die to ourselves daily and to follow him. 

Maybe this is a tiny piece of what being a Christian is about; being willing to serve even if it means sacrificing a little sleep.

If I need to continue waking up earlier than I would like to do the things I am called to so be it. 

Luke 9:23

"And he said to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself  and take up his cross daily to follow me."

Taking it one day at a time. 

After Cleaning Up Pancakes

When I am exhausted  after work and feeling dissatisfied, God puts this in front of me.

"Three important words for today: Abide in Christ."

And this...

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8  Thank you, Lord.

Birthdays

Sometimes birthdays are hard. There's pressure to go someplace or do something all because you were once born and live to tell about it. However, money sometimes poses to be a problem. In order to go someplace or do something more often or not money is needed. Without it, what will happen? Nothing? 

Friend, the day will still go on. It may not be filled with adventure or mounds of presents like it was in former years but one thing will remain; the quiet voice inside that reminds you how you made it another year, a pleasure many do not share. Plus, a day shared simply in the company in those you love is worth more than any amount of riches or presents. That is a true gift.  

Forget what culture has taught you. Don't wish for glitz and glamour. Rejoice in knowing  you are loved. 

Job 23

The story of Job has become way more real to me this time around of reading it,and more easy to relate to (though not nearly to his extent).  His life took a sharp turn into hardship and grief. Surrounded by "friends", he rips his clothes and grieves. Yet, the men who encircle him offer foolish and hardheaded advice.
"You are wicked. This is your punishment."
"You need to confess."
Job knows he has done nothing to deserve this, and I think does an excellent job of putting them in their place. After telling them how they are wrong, he reflects on how sovereign God is.

"But he knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside...But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me..." Job 23:10-11,13-14

Amen. Amen. Amen. May he try me so I shall come out as gold.

Reflecting (with a few revisions)

This picture was almost taken one year ago. Actually, it's three weeks shy of it. I had recently returned from an overseas missions trip to a house I had never seen, because my family had to move when I was away. While I was utterly thrilled and so thankful, it took weeks to find everything in all the boxes. Regardless, I  ready to face my senior year and anything life had to throw at me. The plan at that time was to go off to either Columbia Bible College or Northwest University to major in Intercultural Studies and eventually return to the Mission's field. I wasn't confident in where I would be going but I knew I'd be going somewhere.
Funny thing about life. We may consider something to be a fact, but God can have different plans.

Since this picture was taken, there has been a lot of change. College turned out not to be doable for the following year. A few friendships changed drastically; one ended completely. I discovered I don't hate speaking in front of crowds like I thought I would. Public Speaking 101, yo. Also, I had a few encounters with the opposite sex at school which proved to be interesting for an ex homeschooler who had never really been hit on before. Learned how to do a few things that have turned out to be useful, like fishtail braids, make calzones from scratch, use a nail gun, etc. More importantly, I learned in a fresh way what it means to wait on the Lord. After a full summer of looking for work, He provided me with a job. Since I didn't have a job during the summer, I was able to attend various meetings and a couple activities with the young adult group at church, begin volunteering with an organization that is almost literally in my backyard, help a dear friend move, attend a wedding, spend time with my family, read some fantastic books...God's timing is perfect, even when it's hard to see it. Maybe especially when it's hard.

If I had never been forced to take the time to slow down and refocus my relationship with the Lord, I honestly have no idea where I would be in my spiritual walk. I didn't realize it as much in at the time but during the school year I was really beginning to lose sight of what is really important. It became all about me pursing my dreams while forgetting He is my only given in life. Believe me, this was not an easy lesson.

I'm still not sure of where to go to school, or what degree I should pursue. I'm single with no signs of that changing in sight. I still have a learner's permit in my wallet instead of a license. In spite of these things, I know this: God is in control and I'd rather follow His plan than mine any day.

It's worth it.

This has been one of my summer reads. For those of you who don't know, it's a true story about a group of 5 missionaries who were savagely killed by a people group in Ecuador that they were attempting to establish contact with. It was written back in '57 by Elisabeth Elliot, a wife of one of these young men who were killed. Through various christian groups, I had heard this story before. Read this account was a completely new experience. 

Elisabeth shared bits of journal entries by the men.It was incredible. Their hearts were completely sold out for God and were willing to spread His love, no matter the cost. Years were spent studying and preparing to venture out and reach a group that no one else had dared, because the risk of death was was so. Months were spent flying over them  in a small yellow airplane, trying to build a friendship. 

Halfway through the book, it's almost like I forgot who they were. I forgot the movies I'd seen and the snippets of books I had read. I forgot the ending. When I began reading the second to last chapter, when they got in the plane and were ready to get out and meet the Aucas..it hit me. I remembered. I remembered the ending.  Those precious lives who died at the hands of the people they were trying to love.

Through out the rest of the book, I cried harder than I ever have over a book. Not just a couple little tears. Borderline sobbing. I was wrecked. 

They knew the cost of following God. They not only knew it, but embraced it and lived in out more fully than most do. They were ready to give up their lives so others could live for eternity. Left behind were young families. Wives, who were grieving but rested in God in a way I can't imagine. Babies. A 3 year old who knew Daddy was in Heaven, but wished he could come down for a little bit so he could play with him. 

I can only compare what happened to these families with Job from the Bible. Complete and utter pain and loss that was followed by restoration and healing from God. It was a great lesson to me how it's worth it. Living for God is worth it. Dying for Him is worth it. 

Sweetness

The summer of 2010 was a big one for me. It was filled with travel, friends, crushes, laughter and a few tears. There was so much growth. Every day it seemed like I was writing loads of notes about the things God was teaching me. When those days came to an end, I swore not to forget. I promised myself I would be the woman God was calling me to be.

Years past, after climbing a few mountains and trekking through a few valleys, I decided to flip through the pages of that ragged journal to rekindle what I learned.

Looking over a few pages, tears welled up in my eyes.Instead of finding a journal filled with deep meditations  I found pages that contained only a paragraph of sloppy handwriting.

    How will I remember what I was taught?

Then it all came back. Not ever word of the messages I heard, or necessarily the scripture I read but the emotion behind that sloppy handwriting.

The excitement of learning, the frustrations of figuring out the people I was spending all the summer with, irritation with aspects of myself, and hope for the future.

During that time, I had a nickname. "Sweetness", because I had a sweet personality. Funny thing, at the time having the character  trait of "sweetness" wasn't something I always cared for. The rest of the girls in our group were sassy as sassafras.  Sweetness sounded like another word for weak, or timid. Who would want to be those things? After that, I let life events change me. A little rougher around the edges, a little less caring,  more quick witted and quick tempered. After reflecting on what I read in my journal I realized.

Being sweet is not a bad thing. Caring deeply doesn't make you weak. Being quiet doesn't always mean fear. Thoughtfulness with words and actions can save you from a lot of hurt. 

Authentic, natural sweetness is something to be treasured.
Once it's gone, it's extremely challenging to regain.

The question is, is it gone?

Notes

From "A Hunger for God" by John Piper

• Fasting has been a ritual for centuries. Not exclusively Christian.Followers of God have used it well before Christ came to earth. Jesus was only recorded fasting once, for 40 days. In fact, it's implied in scripture that his followers didn't fast while he was on earth. But, he responded to questions that were raised by Jewish leaders by saying that it was pointless for the bride to fast when the bridegroom was present, and that they could do it once he left. 
• God does not reward you for fasting. Any ritual does not automatically bring glory to him. The biggest thing is the state of your heart and the reason behind Why you are fasting.
•   Fasting for the coming of the King. We are to anxiously wait his return. When you fast, it can be an exclamation point to a prayer to God. "This much, O Lord, we want you to return!"  Anna and Simeon prayed and fasted as they waited for the Messiah to come the first time. They waited anxiously for that arrival. They were not even witness to Christ's ministry on earth, or see the ways Christ has used his bride after he left earth. Why shouldn't we be just as anxious for his return, if not much more?!
• Satisfaction can dull your spiritual senses and cause you to forget who is the ultimate provider of all your needs. Fasting awakes something deep inside us and reminds us of how like without food our bodies will not be satisfied, without pressing into God we will never be satisfied by what the world has to offer. 
• Don't let it show on the outside how you are fasting. This is for God's glory, not your own. Again, the state of your heart is crucial regardless of if it is corporate fasting or private. 
• Fasting to understand the pain others go through. " About a billion of the world's people live in conditions of absolute poverty...no adequate food, clothing, shelter or medical care. 400 million are severely malnourished, 200 million of those being children." -Larry Libby
• Beware loving loving God rather than loving God. Instead of savoring the glory of God, savoring the atmosphere created by worship.
• If your fasting leaves you self indulgent in other ways(harsh towards others, irritable), it's not pleasing to God. Don't replace righteous living with rituals. How you treat people on Monday shows hows authentic your worship on Sunday was. Worshiping God should change you; fasting should change you for the better. It can be a tool used by God to conform you to his image. Let him change you! 
• Fasting is meant to starve sin, not us. The righteous and wealthy can starve themselves, but for what reason? We are called to feed the poor and afflicted. What if we starved for them to eat? Example: Instead of eating out, put aside the money you would have spent and give it to those who are hungry.
• Isaiah 58 paints a picture of what biblical based fasting looks like. "Give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted". Our fast is not merely to deny ourselves but to supply the needs of others.
• We are not responsible for what we cannot do but for what we can do. 
• Give not just material things, but of your souls so to satisfy the souls of others.
• "Who knows how much weakness is in us individually and in the church corporately because we are not pouring out our energy into the weakness of others?"
• God will be in front of us and behind us and in the midst of us with righteousness and glory. 
• Prayer is not meant for the enhancement of our comforts but for the advancement of Christ's kingdom.
• God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in him.

Weekend

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink...
but it did.

Poverty

One of the times I've gotten to see what real poverty looks like up close and personal.
This building was right next to a dump. Several buildings were .





Little children would run around without shoes with all sorts of garbage on the ground.
It was dangerous, smelly, and a little unbelievable.
Yet, I still want to go back.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." -Matthew 5:5

I miss the ocean.

What makes coming home dead tired each night this week worth it

moments like these.

For the kingdom!

Restless and Rested

The first Monday since I've graduated.  It's such a blessing not to have piles of homework to complete or to ride a sketchy bus for hours. Yet, there's a feeling of dissatisfaction. Looking at pictures of the last group who went to the Philippines gets me choked up. Has it really almost been a year since I've traveled overseas? Since I was pushed out of my comfort zone practically every moment, until that pushing became the normal?

I crave the feeling of going somewhere I've never been, tasting things I never would at home and meeting people I never imagined.

I think that's one of the things I miss the most; meeting new people.
Maybe this year I can travel on my own initiative. 

I grow it myself

Each quarter at school has been different because the classes change each time. That means a new schedule, new classrooms, new teachers, and new people. That's been the same  this quarter. It's a change but it's still a routine cause it's a change I'm used to.

There's is a new facet to this quarter: attention. Specifically, male attention. This isn't to make myself look great. To be honest, it does the opposite. These men that have been approaching me are not the type I would be attracted to. In fact, they often make me uncomfortable to the point where half way through the first minute of our meeting I'm plotting an escape route.

Today I was compared to a guy's ex girlfriend. She had pretty red hair like mine. ("Why, thank you sir. I grow it myself".) She had freckles. She had pretty eyes, like mine.He said because of her he finds those things attractive.
After that, he offered to get me booze whenever I desired.
"I'm only 19."
"I hook up my friends. All I need is a little cash".
"I don't think you need booze to have a good time."
"Depends on the time."

When we parted he gave me an instruction: Stay pretty.
Was it a suggestion? A challenge?
What does it mean to be pretty?

And in my $2 sweatshirt from walmart and a sloppy ponytail I left.

Matthew 5:23-24

 ²³ So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Putting that into action isn't easy but praise God that He is with us when we do it.

My brother

Cam: Hey, what are you making?
Mallory: Fry bread.
Cam: Like the kind Victor's mom made?

I love that both my siblings have seen Smoke Signals.
<3

Second week

Sometimes, I'm struck by how often I relearn the same things over and over.
A recent thing I have been re-learning is how God's goodness is unchanging. It's not dependent on our circumstances.

The past couple of weeks have been trying. However, it's for a moment. He is forever.
Also, this fortnight shown me how easy it is to focus on the negative. In light of what I have learned here are some of the good parts of these weeks.

• I'm learning how to prioritize when it comes to homework which has helped me keep on top of the massive amount of homework I have.
• Randomly, a guy came up to me last week and told me I looked nice. He also asked if I was in Theater because I was reading Goethe's Faust. Silly, but it was a high light of my day.
  
• I'm learning how to play Badminton! A huge step for someone who has very little experience with sports.
• My quiet times with God have been refreshing. Today's was very much that way. I am memorizing Psalm 13. It's been great to commit more scripture to memory.
  
• Right now I am listening to Florence and the Machines while wearing my favorite sweatshirt.

It really is the little things in life that can make you smile.

First week back to school

Stressful.

Challenging.

Draining.

Hebrews 12:1-3

A conversation between me and an elderly man I've become friends with from riding the bus together.

Man: Are you and your sister married to the same fella?

Me: No, sir! I'm not even married.

Man: Don't lie to me, girl. I see a ring on your finger.

Me: Oh. It's not a wedding ring. It says "courage".

Man: How's that?

Me: COURAGE.

Man: Why in the world would it say that?

Me: It helps me remember a verse from the Bible I like; Joshua 1:9

Man: Well, go ahead and recite it for me.

Me: Have I not commanded you-

Man: Uh huh.

Me: Be strong and courageous

Man: How's that?

Me. Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go.

Man: Oh, yes. Good heavens, that is true.

St. Patty's day

I am sort of a sucker for holidays. ANY holiday. Except Halloween, that is.

Realm of Faith

To trust in a realm unseen,

to be told stories of those who believed

those who walked in righteous ways

forsaking night and chasing day

"He is light and He is good"

it echoes loud and clear

"Forget the promises of 'could' and 'should'

and to the One above draw near"

Crave what is good and flee despair

cast it from your sight

for if we are His and He is ours

we are secure in His might

In faith alone we watch and wait

unaware of the trials we'll face

only comprehending the simple truth

that he will help us through our youth

~ Anonymous

Decisons

Need to do some serious praying.

So many decisions.

Here I am, Lord. Send me!

This summer and fall: both a mystery.

Summertime. If only it could be filled with play! To spend hours in God's creation..Oh, what a joy that would be! It's adventure I'm craving but my adventure may have to be simply working.

A step towards my dreams.

If only that step would be more desirable.

A simple yet not so well thought out paralell between a girl's body and $100

This is a small glimpse at the strange things that I think of.

Imagine having $100 on the dashboard of your car.

Nothing is wrong with having money. In fact, it's pretty great. But, if you leave it on your dashboard more likely than not it will get stolen by some jerk.

Heck, wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where people actually have dignity and don't steal from others? It surely would. However, not everyone uses self control. If you value your cash, don't leave it out in the open for everyone and his brother to see. People can be pigs and extremely selfish. Don't let them have the chance to be tempted to take it.

Do you know what parallel I'm going to make?

Dressing immodestly is like having $100 on your dashboard. People ARE going to notice (that's part of the motivation behind the way we dress, n'est pas?) and it will tempt guys. Don't you want to be respected? To be absolutely honest, I don't always try to dress modestly because it will help " not lead our brothers in Christ astray" (oh, how I detest that phrase!) but because of this truth:

For every smokin' hot guy who is checking you out there are at least half a dozen scumbags who are ogling you. Not only that, but if you're showing 6 inches of cleavage and a mini skirt, no one will take you seriously about anything.

You can still be incredibly attractive without giving away the farm. If you want to be respected and regarded as something other than a sex object, use wisdom when you get dressed in the morning.

Disenchanted

What I've waiting for, dreamed of and worked so hard to get to was not what I wanted.

Your dreams, God, instead of mine.

Words can't even convey how good it is for my soul to step out of my comfort zone now and again.

God, you are so faithful to your promises.

You are always with us.

Hebrews 5:11-14

"....It is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

Tout ce qui brille n'est pas or

My trip to the Philippines in French (very simplified)

Je suis allé aux Philippines. Ce fut un voyage en avion très long. Je suis allé pendant 3 semaines. J'ai mangé beaucoup de fruits et légumes. Je suis allé en été. Il faisait très chaud. Il a plu aussi. J'ai porté shorts et tee-shirt. Je suis allé au magasin. Il était très différente. J'ai parlé à une école. J'ai joué de volley-ball. J'ai chanté des chansons. J'ai joué avec les enfants. Je suis allé à l'église. J'ai adoré cet endroit. Je m'ennuie de mes amis. Je veux visiter à nouveau.

The Good News

a life re-purposed by redemption

make a grand acclamation of unending grace

for if there is eternal change

how can we look the lost in the face

and turn away?