Last Night

Another long day hit me hard. I climbed up my staircase and crumbed onto an unmade bed.
I aimlessly searched for my Bible and notebook while trying not to actually leave my bed.
Holding them in my hands didn't bring joy, but frustration.
Do I have to read this now? 
Why didn't I read this morning?
A sigh escaped my lips. I lost my pen again. How could I write without it?
I'm too tired to read.
 I pulled the comforter over my head and fell asleep.

As my eyelids closed scenes from my life flashed in my mind.
Missoula, Montana in 2010. I chose to encounter God over a 30 minutes of sleep.
Luzon, Philippines in 2011. Several times Jesus was more important than rest.
Arlington, WA

I have spent many evenings/early mornings pouring over my Bible and praying.
Now 6:30 is too early to get up and pray and midnight is too late.
When did I start valuing rest over Christ?

A Grownup Day

You drive yourself  and sister to church and find your own row to sit in. You rush to exchange greetings with old and new acquaintances in order to get to your Sunday school class in time. Your voice is raspy and throat aches but with forced eagerness engage with ten five year olds for nearly an hour and a half. As you're picking up scraps of angel wings and half chewed pretzels, your sister reminds you of a previous commitment to drive her to work, so you do. Once she enters a building full of ribbons, glitter and paint you drive away.
And you cry.
You merge lanes and wait at stop signs.
And you resist the urge to mutter obscenities  at drivers  who don't know what they're doing.

Home at last. You pass off keys to your mother but drop them on the floor.
The few words you speak are laced with an edginess that has nothing to do with her.
And you climb up the stairs with hands full and heart heavy.
And you sit on your bed
and cry.

You dry your eyes and walk downstairs to an empty house.
Cheddar cheese gets sliced and neatly arranged on plate along with some crackers.
You pace, and try to decide if you will call in sick to work. You play doctor.
Throat pain? Check.
Raspy voice? Its there.
Fatigue? Inconclusive evidence.

At 12:52, you flip a coin.
It's tails.
But what does that mean?
You dial the number of a place you love and hate.
You talk to two people who are irritated and abrupt.
No work till Wednesday.
10 hours of pay will be missed.

The microwave beeps.
A plate of crackers and cheese awaits.
And you eat one
because you can't decide if you should laugh or cry.

When Winter Comes

Spring and Summer are a season of growth in my life. For the past few years, I believe God has used those months in significant ways to slowly conform me to his image. Not only that, but I feel like a better version of myself. Barefoot, tan and with a notebook in hand I feel willing to learn and open to whatever is in store.

Winter does not share a lot in common with summer. The harsh winds and bitter cold force me to cover myself in layers of coats and sweaters to block out any source of discomfort.
I think I do the same thing with my heart. Is there such a thing as a "heart sweater"? Cause I think I've been know to use those. When I'm tired of feeling, I slip one on to avoid the chill of disappointment and heart ache.  Instead of feeling warm and comforted, it just numbs. Neither hot or cold. No passion. After receiving a few "no's" and "not yets" from God this year, it's like I'm afraid of passion. I'm afraid to want things because I don't want the answer to be no. Disappointment is not an easy thing to swallow time and time again. Yet, have I forgotten how my plans pale next to his? If it's not in his plan that just means I need to wait to hear his.

Waiting is hard.
Living without certainty is hard.
Struggling to revive passion,too.


Live. Learn. Love.
All with God in the center.

My Life Right Now

My life consists of wearing a bright red button up shirt and dress pants  4-5 times a week to wash tables, floors, and to lead people around a room.  Occasionally, I get to answer phones or make a milk shake. Running around like a mad woman and trying not to fall on slippery kitchen floors is always a given. It's crazy, but I'm learning a lot and making money.

On Sunday mornings, I get the privilege of spending an hour and a half in a multi colored room with 8 kindergartners to read to them, pray with them, and try to teach them about the God who loves them. It's noisy at times, and we often get distracted but I love it. 

It also consists of spending too much time on the computer. The opportunities to entertain myself through it are endless. I can listen to bluegrass, instant message friends, pretend I am a part of S.H.I.E.L.D, play scrabble, find recipes or craft ideas.

Thursday nights were something I dreaded for a few months but I am beginning to embrace their role in my life. It isn't always my first choice to sit in a room full of people and be the new kid again. However, as time has passed I am learning. Learning how to use those nights as a time to grow, a time to hear, and a time to grow closer to others.

Rain.

A natural part of living in the Northwest that I have come to appreciate. After several weeks of sun, it is a welcomed friend. It makes plant life greener. It cleanses. The streets, the air, me. Weather is yet another thing in life that is uncontrolled by anyone except God. Do we need to have numerous conversations on the internet or in person about what a drag it is to have more moisture? We have a choice in where we find joy and contentment.

In this area of life, I choose contentment. 

Die to Yourself Daily

When I wake up 2 hours earlier than I'd like to for several days in a row, I get crabby. 

Then, I get convicted by the Spirit and remember what Jesus calls us all to do. 

Die to ourselves daily and to follow him. 

Maybe this is a tiny piece of what being a Christian is about; being willing to serve even if it means sacrificing a little sleep.

If I need to continue waking up earlier than I would like to do the things I am called to so be it. 

Luke 9:23

"And he said to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself  and take up his cross daily to follow me."

Taking it one day at a time. 

After Cleaning Up Pancakes

When I am exhausted  after work and feeling dissatisfied, God puts this in front of me.

"Three important words for today: Abide in Christ."

And this...

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8  Thank you, Lord.